15 Ways Boomers Unknowingly Hurt Their Adult Children
The differences between Boomers and their Millennial or Gen Z offspring aren’t just cultural or technological; they often play out in strained family relationships. There are so many Boomer parents doing things without knowing that they are alienating their adult children or even making the family situation worse by perpetuating unresolved familial tensions. Although these behaviors typically happen involuntarily, they can cause long-term effects on relationships and emotional health.
These are 15 things that Boomers tend to do that can hurt their relationship with their adult children.
Refusing Accountability for Past Actions
When they are challenged to take accountability for the emotional impact of their past parenting behaviors, boomers often come up short as they struggle with it. Licensed family therapist Stephanie L. explains that dismissing feedback from children can lead to a breakdown in trust and communication.
In those instances in which parents are unaware or deny the effects of their behavior, it can invalidate adult children and force them to emotionally or physically distance themselves.
What to do instead: Admit your mistakes and affirm to your adult child that you hear his or her feelings. A heartfelt apology can mend bridges destroyed that were thought shattered.
Minimizing or Dismissing Feelings
Boomers often minimize their children’s emotions with phrases like, “It wasn’t that big of a deal” or “You’re overreacting.” Though these comments may seem innocuous, they invalidate a child’s experience and discourage future vulnerability.
What to do instead: Emotion acknowledgment is practicing active listening. A simple response like, “I hear you” or “That must’ve been tough for you” goes a long way toward building mutual understanding.
Defensiveness When Confronted
For some Boomer parents, criticism from adult children feels like a direct attack. That naturally leads to defensiveness, which hampers meaningful conversations. Unfortunately, this “defend and deflect” approach can halt progress in repairing strained relationships.
What to do instead: Control emotional responses and keep yourself open. Defensiveness can be mitigated by mindfulness exercises or family therapy.
Showing Up Unannounced
If Boomer parents come unannounced, they may think it’s an expression of affection, but they’re often crossing boundaries set by their adult children. Having mutual respect is vital, especially when adult children have their families.
What to do instead: Tell them in advance before you visit and adhere to their schedule. By communicating early, one can create goodwill and mutual respect.
Struggling with Personal Conversations
Boomers were raised in a post–WWII hard shell that stifled emotional expression, so they didn’t know how to have deep, meaningful conversations. Lacking intimacy, adult children can feel that they aren’t emotionally close to their parents.
What to do instead: Open up about your emotions and ask thoughtful questions. Consider seeking guidance from resources like Brené Brown’s work on vulnerability.
Critiquing Modern Parenting Choices
Often, boomers tend to consider the parenting decisions of their children as inadequate and criticize them accordingly. Suggestions such as, “We raised you this way, and you turned out fine,” dismiss evolving child-rearing research and undermine parental confidence.
What to do instead: Let your kids decide for their own families. Offer advice only when asked.
Sticking to Outdated Parenting Practices
There is no shortage of Boomers baby-proofing dismissals or encouraging rusty, dangerous food practices with their grandchildren.
What to do instead: Be up to date with safety and parenting standards. Asking questions like, “How can I support your parenting style?” shows respect and adaptability.
Neglect of Family Activities
If you don’t attend family milestones or participate in activities with your kids, you can unknowingly come across as disinterested. The result is that grandchildren can feel neglected, just as adult children can.
What to do instead: Make sure to attend family events, sports games, or other things. It’s easier to make an impact than you might think with presence.
Difficulty Expressing Vulnerability
Boomers have trouble with vulnerability, which can come from decades of repression of emotion. Speaking candidly about your feelings is very important to emotional intimacy.
What to do instead: Start small. Share stories that reflect on things you have overcome personally that might help build trust.
Reacting with Shame-Prone Behaviors
When receiving feedback, some Boomers react with shame, which manifests as deflection or withdrawal. Unresolved shame disconnects and it damages relationships over time.
What to do instead: Replace defensive reactions with curiosity. Ask questions like, “How has this affected you?”
Failing to Adapt to Current Communication Styles
Much is being said about texting replacing calls, but many Boomers still use old-fashioned calls rather than texting. Reaching out continuously instead of texting can make it look like you don’t accept your adult child’s request.
A 2022 survey of U.S. consumers revealed that 47% of millennials preferred receiving communications via text. Ignoring this leads Boomers to strain communication and get frustrated.
What to do instead: Learn how to communicate with your child’s preferred mode. If that’s their preference, send a quick text instead of a call.
Lack of Empathy
Relationship understanding begins with empathy, but Boomers may not be able to see things through their children’s eyes. Psychology Today reports that empathy deficits disrupt long-term familial bonds.
What to do instead: Reflective listening means summarizing what you’ve heard and affirming that.
Resisting Social or Technological Change
Boomers who refuse to change, or do not feel the need to evolve along with the changing social norms—risk alienating their children as the gaps within these generations begin to grow.
What to do instead: Embrace lifelong learning. Boost confidence and connection by taking the courses on tech platforms like Coursera or Udemy.
Mocking Hobbies or Interests
Calling an adult child’s hobbies—whether playing video games or crafting—foolish, or even worse, belittling them is rude and invalidating.
A Redditor at the r/BoomersBeingFools subreddit recently explained how relentless mocking prevented them from following meaningful passions.
What to do instead: Celebrate differences. Encouraging dialogue about their hobbies and showing respect for them is an already-formed pattern that helps you keep in touch.
Constantly Comparing Generations
A common chorus from Boomers is, “We had it harder.” That comparison alienates adult children because it discounts their struggle.
What to do instead: Refrain from “generation wars” as conversation starters. Instead, let’s listen to the shared lessons across generations.
Knowing these behaviors is the first step in cultivating a healthier relationship between Boomers and their grown kids. As families deal with changing dynamics, emotional intelligence, accountability, and flexibility are imperative.
Boomer parents must consider whether their actions are perceived correctly and take steps in advance to strengthen the bonds. Never forget; it’s never too late to heal relationships and build understanding.
Disclaimer – This list is solely the author’s opinion based on research and publicly available information.
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